The Cost of Trusting Myself (i.e. What If I Am Wrong About Everything?)

Every evening, hunky hubby and I play a game (or best of three) of backgammon. The other night, I laughed aloud at something he said and told him what I assumed had led him to say it.

You’re wrong, he said. 

I’m wrong?

Yes. You’re wrong. I know you’re usually right about these things, but this time you’re wrong. That’s not what I was thinking at all.

I froze.

I know there are many things that I don’t know. But there are some things that I am generally right about. Things that require intuition, insight and analysis. I’m usually on the mark with those, which is why this gave me pause. And made me wonder - what if I am wrong about everything?

What if I am wrong about what I put in my body (and what I refuse to)?

What if I am wrong about what I think I look like (and what I think I should look like)?

What if I am wrong about how I parent (and what I think is best for my kids)?

What if I am wrong about the advice that I take (and the advice I give to others)?

What if I am wrong about what he’s thinking (and about how I think she speaks of me when I’m not around)?

What if I am wrong about how my relationship is going (and about how I think our relationship would be, if only...)?

About my life’s purpose (or lack thereof)?

About what I spend my time doing (and thinking about)?

About who I (would have) voted for (and why)?

About who I (really) am?

About what I (really) want?

What if I am wrong about it all? Is that OK? What will it have cost me to be wrong? What does it cost me to be right?

What if there is no such thing as right or wrong? But rather, that everything we believe in is a matter of preference - like my favorite ice cream flavor (chocolate hazelnut) or color (red). What if I don’t need to be right about anything, because there is nothing to be right about? Just the things we choose to do or follow or believe, the same as some and different than others.

Would my choices be the same? My beliefs? My preferences? Can I abandon all need to be right or wrong and do things simply because I do? Is that OK?

I think it is. I really do. But I realize, I may be wrong about that, too.

Karen Gurwitz2 Comments