parenting

Why Parenting Sucks Some More (The Graduates)

parenting

Bittersweet too small a word for when fierce pride and immeasurable joy crash into inconsolable sadness. But it’s all I’ve got for now. Congratulations, Graduates.

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parenting

anger

When Hate Can Be Great

anger

I know that love is all the rage, but hate is great in its own way, and here’s why.

When you’re curious about who you are and how you feel, hate is a shortcut to informing you what works for you and what most decidedly does not..

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anger

self-inquiry

How Self-Love, Self-Care and Self-Compassion Are Different (and also irrelevant)

self-inquiry

With summer around the corner (in this corner of the world), there’s a lot of talk about being your best self, which somehow links to self-care and self-love, both of which can lead to self-meanness, which then calls for self-compassion. So before we drive all of our selves completely crazy, here’s a breakdown of what’s up, and why it doesn’t really matter.

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self-inquiry

self-inquiry, self-trust

Why Being Yourself is so Much Harder Than Becoming Your Best Self

self-inquiry, self-trust

The answer is right there - in the grammar.

There’s a word that separates Your and Self - a word that allows you to set your goals, commit to your workout, juice your greens, save your money, hit your target, meet your soulmate, meditate to keep calm and carry on in pursuit of your best self. Whereas being yourself doesn’t require anything - not a dash, not a comma, not a space.

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self-inquiry, self-trust

self-inquiry, self-trust, self-awareness

I Am (still) a Swinger. Not *that* kind of swinger. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

self-inquiry, self-trust, self-awareness

My swinging occurs almost everywhere else — in my food, in my mood, in my parenting, in my productivity. Some days I️ go full throttle, others I️ stay down low. Also known as black-and-white and ‘woah, you are too much!’ what I️’ve never been called is middle-of-the-road.

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self-inquiry, self-trust, self-awareness

desire, fear

On Feeling Full (aka The Fear of Not Wanting Anything At All)

desire, fear

Panic is how I would describe it. The feeling I had when presented with my cake and candles and the moment to make my wishes (oh yes, even at fifty, I take my birthday wishes très seriously). Panic because nothing came to mind. I felt full. Full of food and drink, yes, but also full in that place that always has a yearning. That low-level hum of wanting more. That irritating itch of desire that feels unscratchable. That void which drives my drive, my ambition, my force. Devoid of the void, I am...fine?

That’s no way to live.

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desire, fear

self-awareness

How a Facebook Post Changed My Perspective on Turning Fifty (When Gratitude is Not an Attitude)

self-awareness

I’ve been reflecting on my fiftieth for some time now. Taking stock of my life, going over what I have accomplished, grieving all that I have not, reflecting on time that has past that I will never get again. Some say age is just a number, but in the game of life, resources are limited, and age is a barometer of time, a measure of how much has gone by and what is still left.

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self-awareness

body image, the body

Why I Weighed Myself This Morning (and Won't Again for Many Months)

body image, the body

Let’s play a game. I’ll name a day and you tell me how much you weighed:

this morning,
your last check-up,
in ninth grade,
when you were nine years old. How many did you get?

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body image, the body

self-awareness

Why It’s All In Your Mind (aka The Story of Our Lives)

self-awareness

I once asked Claude how she kept her jeans and tees so crisp and white. “I bleach the fuck out of them,” she said.

Claude is a brilliant artist with a great sense of humor, but of all our exchanges over after-school pick up, this is the one I remember.

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self-awareness

self-inquiry

Reconnecting to Your Self (Whatever That Means)

self-inquiry

I got married 21 years ago today. That’s 21 years of struggles and stress, celebrations and surprises (some more pleasant than others). 21 years of my belly growing, my heart expanding and my tolerance increasing as I learned to make room in and around myself for the (amazing) people that I share my life with.

21 years of figuring out how to compromise, to share, to think of others without losing myself.

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self-inquiry

desire

The Problem with Getting What You Want (Let's Talk About Desire)

desire

The problem with getting what you want is that there is always more want underneath. Once you satisfy your appetite for food or for things or for power or for experiences, your desire becomes unleashed. There is more to want. More to yearn for, more to long for.

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desire

relationship, marriage

Another Love Letter (An Ode to Sheer Dumb Luck)

relationship, marriage

I have chin burn.

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relationship, marriage

fear

I Am Better at Life When It Sucks

fear

Lately, things have been good. Really good. And that makes me uncomfortable.

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fear

grief, mourning

The Right to Mourn

grief, mourning

Grief has no rationale. It doesn’t care how old they were, how ill they were, how close you were.

Grief grabs you at your chest and squeezes relentlessly, just a moment longer than you think you can hold with a sudden and momentary release so that you can inhale sharply before you’re squeezed again. (Best to have a paper bag nearby to help with breathing.)

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grief, mourning

self-worth, self-awareness

What I Want to Say to the Dog-Walker But Haven't (Yet)

self-worth, self-awareness

Ten years ago we moved back to NYC from the suburbs. While there, I had promised myself that when we returned, I would run in Central Park every day. On our first day back I stepped into the park at West 79th street. That’s when I saw her.

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self-worth, self-awareness

self-love

You’re Better than the Cheesecake Factory (What LA Taught Me About Turning Fifty)

self-love

I haven’t been to LA in 25 years. It’s not personal - we’re just not a match(a). I used to come here for work and race back home when I was done. The place was pretty, but fake, plastic-y, a watered down version of its magical onscreen presence. The people felt the same as well - all smiles but little more - with one of my least favorite questions making me feel like work is the worth here, and little else. I opted for New York and its absolute reality.

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self-love

grief, relationship

A Love Letter (the Thin Line Between Love and Loss)

grief, relationship

Do I have enough of you in me?

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grief, relationship

self-trust

The Cost of Trusting Myself (i.e. What If I Am Wrong About Everything?)

self-trust

Every evening, hunky hubby and I play a game (or best of three) of backgammon. The other night, I laughed aloud at something he said and told him what I assumed had led him to say it.

You’re wrong, he said.

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self-trust

permission

Permission Granted - Again

permission

Permission always granted — for no reason at all. But doubly so during flu season, which has made its way into our home. Hope you and yours are well.

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permission

self-inquiry, self-awareness

Why You Never Want to Know Exactly Who You Are (aka Un-Know Your Self)

self-inquiry, self-awareness

Lest this be our first meeting, let me bring you up to speed: I spend hours thinking about my self. I mean, I spend hours thinking about others as well, but overall I am pretty self-ish (and proud of it, too - it took me a long time to get this way.

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self-inquiry, self-awareness

relationship, partnership

Why It’s OK to be Devastated After a Single Date

relationship, partnership

I was asking H about a date she had been excited to go on. She said it had gone great for her but clearly not for him because he had not reached out for another.

Ugh, I responded. How do you feel?

It’s fine.

Ouch.

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relationship, partnership

self-inquiry, self-love

It's True: Being Thin is Easier

self-inquiry, self-love

Having money is easier than not having it.

Being happy is easier than being grief-stricken.

Being healthy is easier than being sick.

But…

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self-inquiry, self-love

self-awareness, self-trust

Who Does Your Year-End Review?

self-awareness, self-trust

It’s time for your year-end review. The one where you go over all the stuff you got done (or didn’t), the weight you lost (or gained), the promotion you got (or got passed over for). It’s time to go over all of the things that happened this year (can you believe it?) and reckon with the fact that the year is now over (can you believe it?).

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self-awareness, self-trust

desire

Asking for What You Want

desire

Tis the season for gifts and giving and, by that count, receiving. We are well-instructed in the art of giving and somewhat practiced in the grace of receiving but know little about how to ask for what we want.

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desire

permission

A Case for Distraction (aka The Problem with Being Present)

permission

My nails are perfectly painted in Essie’s Limited Addiction.

I know this because I keep looking at them as if I am a scientist studying the art of manicure. When in actuality I am a writer practicing the art of distraction. (In fairness, I don’t need much practice in this, I’m pretty good at it.)

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permission

relationship, parents

Family's Fatal Flaw

relationship, parents

The holidays are here and with them a melange of magical moments and frantic frenzy. Nowhere else is this mixed messaging as decidedly pronounced as in our interactions with our family.

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relationship, parents

desire

Not Wanting What You Want

desire

My friend L and I caught up last week. Her nanny had left to tend to family matters, and L hadn’t hired a new one yet. “What surprises me is not how much I’m enjoying being home with the kids, but how much I want to be home with them. I’ve always loved working - I never thought I would want that.”

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desire

boundaries

The Hitch to Helping

boundaries

This weekend I hung out with a dozen parent volunteers at a campsite: preparing fire, food and fun for 150 campers. The kids had a great time and so did we - enjoying the instant camaraderie that comes when you’re volunteering.

I should know, I am a chronic volunteer.

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boundaries

loss, relationship

You're Not Alone (Even When You Are)

loss, relationship

On Saturday, more than 3,000 students lined up outside New York’s Fame! school for a chance to audition. (A total of 18,000 will have auditioned by the end of the process.)

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loss, relationship

self-awareness, self-inquiry

The Angst of Optimism (aka It's a Hard Time to be an Optimist)

self-awareness, self-inquiry

I stopped reading newspapers years ago. Being up-to-date in domestic and international news was critical to my job, but detrimental to my personality. You see, I am an optimist.

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self-awareness, self-inquiry